Privacy Policy

Our Commitment To Privacy

Your privacy is important, but we have better things to think about. Because we hope it will delude you into thinking it protects your privacy in some way, we created this notice explaining that we're going to do whatever we want with your confidential information and you can't do anything to stop us. To make this notice easy to find, we added a tiny little link at the bottom of our home page (although we secretly hope you don't find it).

The Information We Collect

This notice applies to all information collected or submitted (voluntarily or involuntarily) on our Web site, by phone, fax, e-mail, or when we go to your house and rifle through your stuff. On some pages, you can make requests, register for things, or just stare blankly at the pretty pictures. The types of personal information collected on these pages includes (but is not limited to):

• Your name
• Your address
• Your e-mail
• Your credit card number
• Your Social Security Number
• Your bank account number
• Your vehicle's VIN number
• The names and ages of your kids
• Your complete medical history
• A copy of last year's tax return
• Pictures of you naked

On some pages, you can submit information about other people. For example, if you want to make fun of someone's nose on our site, you will need to supply detailed information about them, including incriminating photos and measurements. In this circumstance, the types of personal information collected are:

• Their name
• Their address
• The name of their pets
• Their computer passwords
• Their ATM PIN number
• Their complete porn collection
• Anything else we might think of later (we'll call you)

The Way We Use Information

We use the information you provide about yourself in whatever way we see fit. We may share this information with outside parties, including strategic business partners, advertisers, the IRS, the NSA, your ex-wife, your neighbors, and random people we pull off the street. If you give us information about others, we will be sure to tell them it was your fault they are getting spammed.

We use your return e-mail address to answer any e-mail you send (if we actually decide to respond). Such addresses are promptly sold to the highest bidder. You can register with our Web site if you would like to get lots of annoying spam from us and anyone else we sell your information to.

We use non-identifying and aggregate information to better design our Web site to trick you into giving us personally identifiable information about you. We will share anything we know about you with advertisers to get as much money as we can before we go out of business. For example, we may tell an advertiser that your shoe size is 13EEE and that you bought a certain brand of suppository last week.

Finally, we will seek out every opportunity to use or share the personally identifiable information we extract from you in ways unrelated to the ones described above. We will ignore any attempt you make to opt out or otherwise prohibit our constitutionally guaranteed right to screw you over as much as we can.

Our Commitment To Data Security

To prevent unauthorized access, maintain data accuracy, and ensure the correct use of information, we're using the cheapest hosting company we could find. We trust them, so what are you worried about? But just to be on the safe side, our CEO's uncle knows a little about computers, so he's going to install some kind of firewall or something.

Our Commitment To Children's Privacy

Protecting the privacy of the very young is probably kind of important, I guess. For that reason, we never collect or maintain information at our Web site from those we actually know are under 13, unless they're really mature about it and don't tell their parents. No part of our Web site is structured to attract anyone under 13, although we did hire that convicted pedophile, but I'm sure he won't do anything with the administrator password we gave him.

How You Can Access Or Correct Your Information

You can access all your personally identifiable information that we collect and maintain by calling a number we've hidden somewhere on the site and then sitting on hold for three hours while we pretend we're really busy. We use this procedure so you will go away and let us keep spamming you.

You can try to correct factual errors in your personally identifiable information by sending us a request that credibly shows the errors. We won't actually do anything with the request, but it might make you feel better.

To protect your privacy and security, we will also take reasonable steps to verify your identity before granting access or making corrections. In other words, if you haven't given us enough information yet, we will demand more before ignoring your request.

How To Contact Us

Should you have other questions or concerns about these privacy policies, please call us at 1-800-GOOD-LUCK or send us an email at do-not-reply@ignored.com.